i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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