My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
