I am in a vortex of obligation.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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