saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
