Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize