A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
