We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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