and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
