So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
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