is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
