I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I'm having to shit out rocks
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
