Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
