Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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