Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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