I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
