My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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