Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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