i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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