Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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