My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
