I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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