I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
how drunk are you?
Several
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
