Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I checked into jail on foursquare
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
