I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
