I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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