i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
