Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
