eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My vagina is officially offended.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize