how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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