she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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