this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
