The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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