I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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