he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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