Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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