New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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