i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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