why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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