I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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