if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize