The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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