every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
