I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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