i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
