you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
