Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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