Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
