I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
