I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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