I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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