that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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