If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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