I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
