You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
