my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
