I will die if light touches me.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
